It was a long 6 months of not knowing what changed. Craving, pushing, striving, struggling, riding that roller coaster of emotions that only ever let you closer to the symptom, not the ‘why’.
That perpetuating habit of buying into his outbursts, anger and frustrations only to forgive him again the morning after. And so we go again, put the face on, clothes that only serve a purpose of not being naked, grabbing the tools that help me get through the day only to plunge into uncertainty before the sun goes down.
I lost my way with love yet here I was telling myself I’ve got my shit together. On the surface, the shine from my career over compensated for the wreckage of my personal life. I guess it was easier to walk around the broken pieces than examining them whether they are worth putting together.
What we are seeking is seeking us and it wasn’t any different on this beautiful November morning when I remembered I haven’t been meditating for months. This once cherished practice simply vanished. Why? I wasn’t quite sure and at the same time I knew only those moments of solitude will be able to shine the light on the truth. No more dwelling on the symptoms – and with that I promised myself to submerge into the inner knowing.
As with everything, when you really want it, the Universe will conspire to get it for you. So this pull towards learning meditation from a seasoned and dedicated meditator entered my mind and I knew exactly the place.
The Broad Place. Even the name resonates on a different frequency. I’ve been a long time reader of their blog and newsletters and it wasn’t a surprise when I found myself writing an email to Jacqui Lewis, the founder of the school.
You can tell that Jackie is passionate about what she does – I have watched her create a studio, events, retreats and regular meditation courses around Australia and the US with such dedication and tenacity that it would amaze even the biggest sceptic. Naturally, I wanted to come closer…
Over 4 evenings I would drive to the Paddington studio of the Broad Place and with 4 other meditation students learned the art of TM with my very own mantra from Jai Gurudev. I instantly knew I was in good hands…
It was a reset button I so needed. A catalyst of some sorts that unleashed a magnitude of internal shifts and emotional explosions that had to be dealt with. I also really enjoyed the open conversations about the way we felt after our meditation sessions but also what has unfolded for us as a result of them.
There is definitely something special about creating space for yourself but at the same time being invited into a sacred circle where like-minded people gather is all sorts of magic.
Even though the course itself simply affirmed what I have explored for myself already, it held a ceremonial meaning and one of connection to the ancestry of this ancient learning.
It was also a symbolic move for me internally. An invitation of some sort to expand within my own potential and create space not just within my lifestyle but also that of a physical dwelling that supports that regular inward journey.
I of course didn’t quite know this at the time but the first (as I call it) breadcrumb presented itself and I decided to follow it along. You can only connect the dots retrospectively and that alone requires trust and surrender into the intuitive guidance of the self.
I often get asked about intuitive guidance and how one understands what it is and how it shows up. My simple answer every time is through stillness. My moments of stillness and inner guidance get loving care through meditation. That’s how the space is nourished into which the guidance leans. Unless you foster this space for yourself, there is nowhere to be birthed into.
The art of meditation is an ancient principle and has been practiced for centuries by millions of people. That cannot be random and without purpose. You might say but I can’t seem to ‘get it’. Meditation doesn’t seem to work for me. My advice is: keep at it every single day. Don’t give up and keep searching for ways to foster this inner space for what awaits you on the other side is nothing you have ever experienced before.
The inner knowing
The sense of my inner knowing is stronger than ever before and with every meditation session I feel like it’s becoming more profound and clear. Believe it or not I look forward to my morning meditation (even though I am not a morning person). I get up 30-40 minutes earlier than I used to so leaning into this space is comfortable and not timed.
It is exactly from this place that I reached for courage, belief in myself, faith and that sense of independent expansion when I decided to finally move out and live on my own. Leaving behind not just a place but also a person who was ‘home’ to me for a long time. It was this space within that snapped me out of the illusion of the seemingly perfect life that was rotting on the inside.
It is now rebuilding time. Slowly, methodically, day by day, meditation by meditation. Solitude, gratitude and kinship being the facilitators of rebirth, growth and expansion.
The sudden clarity of some of my memories, childhood adventures and deep feelings felt for lovers and friends from the past are surfacing with enormous emotional intensity. Not sure whether this is just another layer of connection with the self or past wounds that are coming forth to be healed. It’s a blessing to have an open mind, adventurous heart and curious soul. The rest will unfold in surrendering to what is. Today and every day. Here is to the inevitable rebirth.
Love and light,
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